1994

Along the path of darkness there is a light of happiness.

Should you not be scared of what you might find?

Reach and feel what is hidden in your mind.

Can you laugh without sorrow, or is it so deep inside that there is only a cry?

Let it all out of your poor weary soul, please don’t hurt yourself anymore.

Now that you are here, walk away from the fool, wake up and see what it’s doing to you.

Do you like to be hurt when you think of that voice?

Then, only look forward and not back on the horrible past.

Daddy

His body lies still, covered with only a quilt that looked like something his mother had made. She noticed the cowboy boots, they were his favorite pair. How he missed dancing and performing in them. Now he will dance in the sky, watching over his loved ones.

She walked up to greet the man she once knew as her father, now just a body, his soul has flown back into the universe to be reunited with his family.

She kissed his forehead, so cold, so motionless and felt her breath taken away as the tears streamed down her cheeks. She whispered “I love you daddy, I miss you, may you be free to spread your wings and soar high in the grandiose sky.”

Struck by lightning

5-29-2016

In my dream this morning, I was seeing pictures that a friend had taken had taken of her husband.  They were not flattering pictures.  He looked as if he were dead, his stomach was distended, his mouth gaping open wide, eyes closed and he was laying in front of his front door on a lawn chair with a for sale sign on the lawn.

Then it was as if I was seeing moving pictures, live pictures being taken as if I was there, watching them.  There was a cliff side next to the river where they were camping, a friend and her boyfriend were there, watching the snakes pour out of the holes, Different kinds of snakes, rattlers, diamond back, some yellow snakes, and ones the appeared to be three inches long, then suddenly for legs and crawl away.

I was whisked away in a moment’s time and then I was walking along a sidewalk, alone, looking down to see if anyone dropped money or anything that caught my eye.  I was in a mini mall shopping area, it was dark and I then looked around for McDonalds, I was hungry and thirsty.  I walked back and forth looking for the restaurant that I knew was around there.  I then spotted it, in a dark corner lot, only lit up by the light inside with very few windows.   I walked over to the area where the McDonalds was and tied to get inside.  The door was open, but there was a heavy thick plastic covering the door with a rectangular hole cut into it, like a dog door, but for kids.  I was going to go inside, but then there were some people behind me.  I realized it was someone I knew, Mrs. Woodman (Wanous) Zoe’s Kindergarten teacher.  She was waiting to get in with 5 kids and her son.  I let the kids go in first, the climbed through the kiddie door and we told them to wait for us.  I then tried to climb through the door and got stuck.  I ended up pulling down the entire plastic door because I was too big to fit in the hole.  Tracy and her friends helped me get out of the door and they went inside to get the kids who ran off ahead.

I then started to follow them towards the counter to order, but they were gone. I walked up to order my food and the girl was pre-occupied.  The manager was talking to her behind the counter about the cola dispenser not working properly.  She then took my order and gave me my receipt and said they would bring my food to me.  The manager was there, still trying to fix the cola and then put a giant funnel on the bag where the soda was and started to drink it.  I looked at the ticket, it was number 554, I got my drink and found a table to sit down at.  There were a few people sitting down, eating.  I had waited for a good while and they still hadn’t brought my food, I got up to see if they were going to bring it.  I saw the girl who took my order standing near the trash can, cleaning up and I spoke to her, I showed her my ticket and she went to go check on my order.  As I started to follow her to the counter, suddenly we were outside, as if the half of the restaurant was indoor/outdoor.  I looked up and there was a giant grey black storm cloud forming, it looked like a monster, his mouth wide open, his eyes drooping, wrinkles and folds as the demon cloud came closer to me, as if it was going to eat me like I was going to eat that burger I was wanting.  I looked up, scared but not horrified, as if I knew what was coming.  Then a huge lightning bolt came out of the monster clouds mouth and struck me right in the heart, all I could feel was the jolt of electricity.  It was like nothing I had ever felt before, but I was not in pain.  As the electricity ran through my body, I began to convulse, my eyes were open and I could see the horror on the workers face.  I could hear the customers gasping deep breaths, no one could move.  I fell to the ground as my body gave in to the shock, I was trying to raise my left arm and do sign language to tell them to call 911.  I could not move, but tried to crawl, letting go, as if I was falling asleep.  I woke up into a ball of white light all around me, surrounding me like a blanket,  I then realized I was on my bed, in my room when I finally opened my eyes.  I felt tired and out of it, but energized and my heart was beating hard.  I’m not sure if I died, or was taken away to another realm, a higher spiritual sense of being.

Being bullied hurts, but Life goes on…

A little girl came home crying one day. Her mom asked her what’s wrong? She replied, “I don’t have any friends.” Her mom told her that is nonsense, she is always playing with her “friends” outside. The little girl said, I go outside, but no one plays with me, only one girl….her name is Hope. At school, no one plays with me, they make fun of me and call me names. They say I’m ugly, I’m a dog. I should go kill myself because no one but my mom will ever love me. The little girl went on with her life. The struggles with friendship continued… She met a friend when she was 10, they danced to Solid Gold and the Music Box Dancer together. One true friend. Then she moved away…again.

The struggles continued as she got older, kids putting notes in her desk, telling her don’t touch anything she’s so ugly it might rot. Her self-esteem was broken, she was sad and hurt. She was tired of being bullied, she always tried to do her best in school. Then, she moved again. Now, in high school, life was harder. She ran away from home, dabbled in drugs and turned to the streets, which seemed to be her only friend. Then she met another girl who was being bullied by a bunch of girls in 10th grade. She stood up for her because she knows how it feels. They became best of friends, but that too was cut short. Her friend moved away. She was lost again. Dropped out of school and met a boy.

This boy was nice at first, then started to abuse her, she thought it was normal since she watched it growing up. It was hard for her to cope. She had several jobs, tried any career or job she could to see where she fit in. The boyfriend became more threatening and abusive and she could no longer take the pain. She decided to end her life. No more pain, no more suffering, they were right. She was better off dead. She was rushed into the E.R. to get her stomach pumped, she was scared but knew it was the end, dying is easy. Living is the hard part. Or so she thought. Once released from the hospital, she changed, something inside her grew stronger. She felt alive, renewed, almost reborn. She then knew what she had to do. Her only chance was to leave, make a break for a new path in life. She ran or her life. She hid, as he chased her down the street, but she found her break. The bus came and took her away forever. Life as she knew it would change.

After the ordeal, she fell into the hands of some loving people, they did not judge her, only cared for her and helped her. She moved away, again. She found her calling, got two jobs, struggled to pay bills but was happy, on her own. This girl had no friends, but was determined to make new ones, not living in the past anymore, only looking to the future. After many trials and tribulations, she succeeded, she grew up, found her soul mate and has a wonderful family. She did not know that love was all around her the whole time due to the evil that blinded her.

Life is not always a bed of roses, although we would all like it to be. You need to be pricked by thorns in order to know what living means. She does not always understand the actions of people and tries not to let the bad get the worst of her. Living in a positive state of mind, letting the love, kindness and happiness flow.

She now has many, loving, kind and caring friends. Some are far and some are near, but all of them are close in her heart.

Beyond…

Staring blankly into the pot
As to
Looking down into the abyss

Reflecting back on the past is in the past,
The present only, rides the waves.
Looking forward to the future holds the key to
Un-somber days.

The angel hanging by a thread,
the tree lights glistening
a slight ringing in my head
she wants to know if I’m listening.

Of course, I am, I said, in my mind
And I knew she heard me clearly
I heard her said things would be fine.
That my father loves me dearly.

Now time to move forward, And don’t be sad,
his tired old body has taken too much
Life may be over for him
but It was a good one he had.

Resting until the end of his time,
Can barely walk now
He must pay his dues
So the universe can take him home.

Lost in Time

Sometimes we struggle in life to know where we really belong. You may think you are meant to be in a certain place and in fact, you probably are, for a while anyway. Then we may lose sight of what is right in front of our eyes. Time passes so quickly and we get comfortable in our surroundings, a lot of times we get too comfortable. We stop caring for ourselves thinking it’s okay, I take care of that tomorrow, but then, it’s the next day and then it’s a month later and a year later and then…it’s too late. We have let go.

We all need a push sometimes, a friend to lend a hand, a sister, a brother a father or a mother. Whomever it may be, a shoulder can be there. But what happens when you feel lost and alone? You feel like no one will understand. You have reached your limits, what do you do? Where do you go? How do you take on the roll you have been handling all along? Suddenly, you feel in another world, out of this world, from the moon, maybe.

We have to be strong for our family, people say. Well, we can’t always be strong or we will become a rock in our own prison. A lost soul, in a world of hardened hearts, lost in time. Life can not go on like that or we will begin to regret what we have worked so hard to keep sane for. Pushing forward, letting go, moving on or standing still. We all need someone to help us through the wormhole.

A cobweb man

His pain in the words of another. My pain in the words of a mother.

He will never say how much pain he is in, as it has always been. He used to be so vain when he was a young man. Always a wanderer, philanderer, singer, guitar player for the band. Now the years have passed, two marriages failed. Six children, five step-children, many grandchildren and a widower in his cobwebbed mind.

Tell me when I should have forgiven him for all the pain he caused to so many people. Why have I grown a bitter feeling, instead forgiveness. He was my world in my youth. We all looked up to him for strength, maturity and grace and advise. Instead we got denial, cover-ups, deceit and lies. The hurt is too deep for my sister and her world that he took away.

I remember the days of waiting for him to get home, mom told us he was working, but she knew he was flirting, hurting, being selfish,being the you that you are. Leaving another scar in her heart, driving their love apart.

Time to move on now, even though I have tried before. I know the end is near. I don’t know if I will be upset and that, I fear. I have a promise to my children, that I will never let them have a father like him. They are my world, my light, how could a man be so selfish to not show how much he cares to his own children?

I am writing these words for him, as I try to forgive him for the man he has been. May he find peace and happiness as he flows back into the universal pool of energy and come back as a better man.

Loved Ones and Anxiety

What do you do when you know someone who is in pain, emotional pain? How do you help someone you love to cope with the pain, the anxiety, the fear? You can’t say…”I know how you feel” unless you actually have felt that way before. How many people can say, I have felt the pain of severe anxiety, the emotional distress of not wanting to face anyone?

Do you know how it feels to have your body clam up? You shake, you shiver, you have extreme stomach pains, you feel like bugs are crawling on your skin and your fingers tingle from the numbness. Loud noises make you nauseous, certain smells trigger a gag reflex. Your head feels like it’s going to explode. You want out of your body now!

Sleep is difficult, time goes by slowly. You pray you or your loved one will get better every hour of every day. You feel like you can’t talk to anyone abut your problem or they will think you are crazy, but you know you are NOT!!!

You try to breathe, but inhaling is difficult, your chest feels like it’s going to cave in. You try to eat, but just the thought of eating makes you feel ill. If people weren’t so mean and opinionated, if they didn’t have to criticize you about your hair, your clothes, your shoes. Maybe that would make a difference. Maybe, if everyone knew how that person who just wants to die felt inside, they would stop the cruelty.

But the world must go on with cruel, vindictive people in it. Until a new generation of healers arise to show the consciousness of others how to treat everyone as equal, no matter what. Not everyone is smart, or pretty, or creative. But we are all human, with feelings. We are all capable of loving without prejudice. My hope is that someday soon, the tides will change for the better good of mankind. Let’s work together to stop the pain.

Hiding Emotions

 

Why do we try to hide when we cry?  As an adult we feel shame in our tears.  Is it fear of people knowing our business?  What happened to open arms, open hearts and open minds?

As a child we feel we need to let the world know that something is wrong or upsetting us or even scaring.   The innocence is taken  too soon for a lot of us.  We needn’t let go, we should hold on forever to that feeling of trust.

If we keep going this way we’ll all have to pay for the next man’s sorrows.  That is something we can all do without.

Let’s live life the way it was meant to be, help one another when the need is there.  Offer your friend, neighbor, relative or even stranger an ear or hand or shoulder to cry on.  We are human after all.